it was bound to happen, but i figure a contrast post is well deserved here. when i started this blog, it was a place to get out all the emotional bile that was building up and eating away at my insides. as i got more out, i posted less. yet dear (probably) non-existent readers, i have come here to speak of finally feeling good. ichor instead of balor.

for months, i've had an urge and a revelation that intertwined. i realized that iv'e been stuck in my own pattern, not knowing how to get out. i've also had an overwhelming urge to go visit nature. i had no idea where because of being stuck in a routine, so i just assumed i'd be stuck not knowing how to break this cycle.

an old close friend contacted me randomly this past weekend to hang out. we ended up at an old spot i hadn't thought of until we were on the free way. it was great catching up, but i unexpectedly ended up in nature. i remember standing on a decrepit structure staring out at the ocean and finally feeling some peace and calm that i'd so direly needed. the following day a different friend and i went to see one of our favorite vocalists perform an acoustic set. we expected to see a few jams, maybe a dialed in performance, nothing to write home to. what we witnessed was something much different. the power in his performance filled the entire room, despite it being just him and a guitar. the stories he told and the unexpected talks of dreams and love and togetherness caught me off guard. it was one of the best live performances i ever took in.

both of those days have done so much to change my mood. i feel really centered, no negative thoughts exploding constantly in my mind. i feel good. i feel content and happy. life doesn't seem as hopeless and monotone right now. who knows how long this attitude will last, but for now i'll accept it before any potential foreseeable misery.

we are all reflections of those around us. we have the core of our personalities, and we are individuals. people still rub off on us, and are guilty by association due to the circles we traverse. my circles are of people who stay in the same town in the same routine, doing nothing. i have a yearning to do something, anything new. the excitement of discovery. yet these circles have rubbed off on me so much that when i decide to stray from those patterns, i do not know how to find something new to experience.

and for those i wish to see but don't? they have forgotten me. i am invited nowhere,yet i am missed. there are claims that i am loved, but they are only claims. i feel no affection from most of the people that claim to care about me. so i turn to the easier circle for some semblance of social interaction. i fool myself into thinking i'm human.

i have accepted that i am going to be alone for the rest of my life. this year has shown that more than ever. this was once a fear that haunted me for years, a vision of a broken life to the end. i begrudingly accept it, because true colors have shown through. the sooner i am used to this mental hermitage, the less i will be let down with my interactions and relations. i do not want it to be this way, but it's another step in accepting the dynamics of my life.