it was bound to happen, but i figure a contrast post is well deserved here. when i started this blog, it was a place to get out all the emotional bile that was building up and eating away at my insides. as i got more out, i posted less. yet dear (probably) non-existent readers, i have come here to speak of finally feeling good. ichor instead of balor.

for months, i've had an urge and a revelation that intertwined. i realized that iv'e been stuck in my own pattern, not knowing how to get out. i've also had an overwhelming urge to go visit nature. i had no idea where because of being stuck in a routine, so i just assumed i'd be stuck not knowing how to break this cycle.

an old close friend contacted me randomly this past weekend to hang out. we ended up at an old spot i hadn't thought of until we were on the free way. it was great catching up, but i unexpectedly ended up in nature. i remember standing on a decrepit structure staring out at the ocean and finally feeling some peace and calm that i'd so direly needed. the following day a different friend and i went to see one of our favorite vocalists perform an acoustic set. we expected to see a few jams, maybe a dialed in performance, nothing to write home to. what we witnessed was something much different. the power in his performance filled the entire room, despite it being just him and a guitar. the stories he told and the unexpected talks of dreams and love and togetherness caught me off guard. it was one of the best live performances i ever took in.

both of those days have done so much to change my mood. i feel really centered, no negative thoughts exploding constantly in my mind. i feel good. i feel content and happy. life doesn't seem as hopeless and monotone right now. who knows how long this attitude will last, but for now i'll accept it before any potential foreseeable misery.

we are all reflections of those around us. we have the core of our personalities, and we are individuals. people still rub off on us, and are guilty by association due to the circles we traverse. my circles are of people who stay in the same town in the same routine, doing nothing. i have a yearning to do something, anything new. the excitement of discovery. yet these circles have rubbed off on me so much that when i decide to stray from those patterns, i do not know how to find something new to experience.

and for those i wish to see but don't? they have forgotten me. i am invited nowhere,yet i am missed. there are claims that i am loved, but they are only claims. i feel no affection from most of the people that claim to care about me. so i turn to the easier circle for some semblance of social interaction. i fool myself into thinking i'm human.

i have accepted that i am going to be alone for the rest of my life. this year has shown that more than ever. this was once a fear that haunted me for years, a vision of a broken life to the end. i begrudingly accept it, because true colors have shown through. the sooner i am used to this mental hermitage, the less i will be let down with my interactions and relations. i do not want it to be this way, but it's another step in accepting the dynamics of my life.

companionship is in our DNA. it's coded into our instincts. how ironically tragic that one such as i craved something so deeply yet will never have it. people are always surprised at the length of my time being single. it's always a by proxy thing; people just assume but never consider the facts. i am simply not any person's type. it's a bitter pill to swallow, but life isn't fair for everyone.

i know how this world views me. i'm a monster to strangers. i was once a pushover to friends. i've forced a change within myself against my entire character in order to survive in this society. being feared is a lesser form of respect, but better than having none at all. i may as well reap benefits from being looked at as a monster, because being friendly gained me nothing.

almost everyone i know is fairweather. when they want something from me, thats when they appear. favors, money, an ear to listen. when i need the same in return, nothing. this is my disconnection with everyone around me. i'm only wanted when it's convenient. no one really cares if i live or die, they only care that i live to get something out of me.

they came down from the sky

in my emotional solitude, i have grown complacent. i am so used to being alone, that i know no other way. sure, at times the heart sends out pangs of loneliness but i've learned to ignore it's sad song. i do wish to not be alone, but i've accepted that dying alone w/o having truly been loved is my fate. i don't care what anyone says, it's in our instincts to want someone by our side. i've just learned to ignore it.

tonight a person told me, they liked my "look". i was flattered, thanked them with a smile, and started conversing with my friend. a few moments later, my friend told me to talk to the person who complimented me. they were long gone by that point, and the perceived chance meeting i had along with it. in the past when moments like these happen, my social ineptness shines and i begin mental flagellation. this time, i wasn't emotionally bothered and rather enjoyed the rest of my night.

i cannot tell where i am with this. on one hand, some days the loneliness i possess is crippling.  the rest of my days, i am fine and am not phased. it has been years since anyone has taken interest in me. so much so that i do not know how to handle the situation when it arises; much like a dog wouldn't know what to do with a car once it caught one.

should i worry? should i worry about my apathy? a part of me is lost that i barely care about, which feels quite odd. the only thing i believe i can take from this is that a stranger finally found me aesthetically pleasing, and that's the only victory to be scored.

illness environs

i have given much thought to energies, my relations with people, and the intertwining of both. i spend much time inside my head, trying to work out the idiosyncrasies of my life. i never realized how these two related to each other until i started connecting the dots. it's a weird sort of negative synergy that i'm learning to deal with.

for much of my life, people have relied on me to be the ear to listen to and the rock to help anchor them in life. i didn't use to mind this. i am highly empathetic, take the time to listen to others, and am loyal to a fault. the problem is, very few people have given that back to me in an understanding way. most people will come, hand me their baggage, and leave once life turns around for them.

i have felt invisible for many years. i cannot explain it, except that once i came back from my harrowing ordeals i felt this shift. at first i had this notion that i lost my soul. through my studies, i realized that it was my spiritual energy that was effected. i had no vibrant positive energies to put out. no, i either had a lack of aura or an aura that put out very negative vibes.

i've come to realize that i've been used as a sort of negative emotional dumping ground. people come into my life, see that i am wiling to help them, and leave their negative energy with me before moving on. i feel that carrying this burden has turned me into a negative energy magnet of sorts. this is unfair to me. relationships of all kinds are give and take. why have people given me their curses, but take none of mine?

i'm coming to terms with the fact that i have to stop this sort of behavior. my current methods of not letting anyone in are killing my empathetic nature. i'm looking into various practices which i hope help. i'm tired of feeling invisible, i want positive energy to balance the build up of negative energy and make me whole.

we can live forever

the passing of my friend has called into question my own existence. not my unraveling mortality, or how my eventual fate comes to pass. its caused me to attempt to reflect on if i'm living genuinely. am i doing right by me? have i strayed so far from my own path that i'm more lost than i thought? 

they were not a perfect person, but they lived with genuine heart. they went out selflessly. they showed its possible to live against the grain and stay true to yourself.  i will always hold them in the highest regard no matter what they've done.

but am i living the same way? i claim so much influence from this person, but have i really retained it? i feel so splintered. i want to live true to myself, giving a lot of heart to those around me. when i have lived that way, i was taken for granted and left with a lot of emotional pain. i want to live that way again, but i dont know how. im grow weary of setting myself up to be hurt. am i gravitating towards the wrong people to give my good intentions to? is my sphere of influence full of people undeserving of what i have to offer as a person? i can't tell.

i do know that i'm not ready yet. maybe i can't live that genuine because i am so split up inside. forces warring inside my mind over how to direct myself. do i let people in, anxious over the looming dagger in my back? do i keep them out at arm's length, staying safe and alone? is there a middle ground? can i ever agree with myself over what that middle ground could even be? only time can sort this out, and so i must with a heavy heart.

I've seen what becomes of us

Today I learned of the passing of a person who influenced my life greatly. Growing up, I never related to my family very much and I was always an outcast in school. My moral compass continued to spin in directions I couldn't control. My own anger would blind me.

I discovered a certain music scene, and within it, bands and a great person leading one of them. Their words helped guide me. My moral compass wasn't straight, but it would start zeroing in. I never had an older sibling figure to guide me in life, but I found that in the words and actions of this man I revered.

I've written about this in so many other online forums that I'm finally gaining a loss for words. I threw up late in the after noon, and have had no desire to eat since. Things don't seem real. I'm just broken up by it, and by the fact that I'll never see this person ever again. It's 4th of July, I should be out being merry. Instead I'm home, reflecting on the passing of this person and trying to make sense of this world.

and when the morning comes, it's just you and the sun

i am very sensitive about trying to seek help for myself. i have spent a year trying to seek help, and each time it doesn't pan out. i spent years after the catastrophe yelling for help because i didn't know how to get it. i suffered ptsd very badly, and my mood can still be easily shifted. today i tried to seek help, and the doctor wasn't even there! i arrived 10 minutes early, and left 5 minutes after my schedule appointment. i tried calling their direct line, went straight to an automated message.

i am easily discouraged. i've had to bear more than i can emotionally handle. the strength of that dam has long fallen, and the demons flow freely. when that doctor didn't show up, i gave up on them. i don't tolerate mistakes in my self-help from other people. i was in a very sour mood until something happened.

a friend of mine sensed my distress and called me. we talked for a good long time, giving each other advice and generally just being there for each other. it felt good knowing that someone noticed and cared enough to try to make sure i was going to be ok, and really listened to me. there were many times i did that for other people, in the hopes that others would do that for me. normally, i get taken for granted and people move on unknowingly selfish. having someone check on me for a change really meant something. if you see this my friend, thank you from the bottom of my heart.

after we spoke, i had to handle business with a group of people. to give more context is to give away who i am, but lets just say non-curricular group projects tend to end badly. apparently in some circles, i know selfish short sighted buffoons that have no respect to whats currently being built. i laid down reality and no one spoke back. if there is one thing i can die with, it's knowing that the power behind my convictions is stronger than the weak wills that oppose me.

a broken trust

i admit, i am paranoid. not to the extent of tin foil hats and conspiracy theories, but i have a bit of it nonetheless. past a certain point, it becomes very hard for me to trust a person. i examine people's personalities, and cut away mentally to try to see their core. I am not saying every human is dishonest, but in regards to me i read my role too easily.

if i do not hear from a person for a long time, then suddenly rise from the ether it only means one thing: they want something from me. i've seen this pattern all too frequent in this dismal life. no genuine greeting, no overwhelming hope for my well being. it's a "hi how are you doing?" for semantics' sake before launching into what they want from me.

i've grown accustomed to this. i believe in energy, and more over, psychic impression. you can feel someone's spirit as they deliver words. the intentions behind them. if someone truly cared for my well-being, i wouldn't be the mess i am today. no, humans in my sphere of influence only want to take from me. use me, then move on. they want a favor, want me to do something for them, or even be a receptacle for their bad day then move on when they're done.

there's never any benefit for me. i used to let it go willingly, because i thought it was the way to keep friends. it's actually the way to get used, viewed as a resource and not as a valid human being. a human being with thoughts, feelings, and a brain built to detect ulterior motives. people forger that i'm a lot smarter than i am, because they only see my exterior.

can you blame my paranoia? not everyone is out to get me. in fact, no one is out to get me. i do not believe anyone is out there willingly looking out for me, truly caring if i live or die. i often feel people would only want me alive to feel false vindication about being in my life yet we don't talk for the longest periods of time. i understand there are some friendships that work that way, but i can smell bullshit from a mile away. not every friendship has that dynamic, and i can tell when someone wants something for their own personal end.

the only thing i've asked myself the last 6 months is this: when is it my turn to use someone to get what i want?

the angel rises from the east to bring storm upon this world

it's not time yet to write about the betrayal i suffered months ago. i am comfortable talking about it, just not in this medium just yet. that entry would be long in the tooth (even for me).  what i am getting off my chest now is observations from tonight.

i saw the guilty parties tonight. the cowards that used me up and tossed my friendship tonight. they avoided me. not in a "stand my ground, i just wont speak to you" sort of manner, but in a "i'm going to hang back and be invisible" way. at first it figured, and i left it at that thought for awhile.

then the realization struck: they have no convictions and fear me. if they believed what they did was right, they would not cower from me. they would have responded to my last message. they would have approached me tonight and told me that i was wrong. yet, none of that happened. they left me alone, couldn't even look at me. i won. no matter what happens, they will remember what they've done and my words of truth will always echo. they fear me. they know their mistake. they know they're weak.

i am strong in my convictions, and how i conduct myself. handshakes me something to me. the words i say are things i never go back on. the actions i take to go out of my way to support people i care about are very real and selfless. all i ever expect in return is respect and consideration in a high degree if we are to remain friends. to expect anything less is to cheapen one's self worth.

i have self worth. i am not a stepping stone. i am not going to be used up and thrown away. i conduct myself with respect and honor, but the world i exist in doesn't understand that. it grows harder to keep the rage from being betrayed in. i somehow maintain self control. its probably the solace i find in knowing i'm better than the cowards i've scathingly cut from my life that don't have the gall to face me.

know thyself, dandy

here we are again, the thoughts colliding in the late night like a mental avalanche. what to write about this time? as i type this very paragraph, i still grow unsure. i just know that i need to write something to help ease my mind from this turmoil filled mental-cauldron.

i have not felt like myself in a long time. specific events in my life have scarred my soul, leaving me feeling very alone and confused. i thought i knew the dynamics of my life. things went wrong oh so fast. one unlucky event and life changed. i felt i had to exact truth in everything aroudn me, and keep a higher standard of honor versus my surroundings. i felt empty, but at least my moral compass had a course to chart. if i was damned, at least i knew how to act with high moral fiber.

then betrayal happened. the compass spun out of control. i sought help in various places and ways. my true nature had to be kept down. i learned that to survive in this world, i have to be selfish. i have to be more cutthroat than the rest. if someone falls, so be it. i get a chance to rise. with this, comes anger and revenge. a need to get even. i contain this everyday, and it tears me apart.

at times the caring/giving side of me comes out. you can't change your core. sadly, i know how used and abused i can get when that part of me is at the forefront. i understand the new dynamics of my life, and the time i wasted on the unworthy.

Call up smoke to save the soul’s demise

I was raised as a christian. as all young children listening to un-fallible adults, i too fell in line. our elders are always right until we are capable of making decisions that separate who we are from the influences of our parents. my eyes opened to the world around me. i simply could not believe in the written judeo-christian god. i have great respect for those strong in any faith, as long as they are not harming others.

once i let go of organized religion, i felt very free. my moral compass does not need ancient text to guide it. at this point, i believed in two things: ghosts were real, and that i am such a microscopic speck in the vast canvas of this universe that knowing how creation came into being would not effect who i was. for a long time, i even reveled in anti-christian imagery to further distance myself from what i was.

i didn't know it, but this left a very huge void that needed to be filled. the kind that feeds the soul and invigorates the spirit. for a long time, the music i was involved with would occupy this emptiness. nothing could go wrong as i formed a personal mass of one with my music collection.  yet, even as time has gone on music has ran it's course as a bandage.

at one point, i had fallen for someone with unique spiritual beliefs. they were very much into the more spiritual and natural side of life. i believed if things worked out, they would rub off on me and i'd learn enough to form my own beliefs. that relationship, for reasons i had to figure out on my own, was cut short.

i have felt empty for years. an interpersonal event happened earlier this year which turned my world upside down. it became apparent that i needed to help myself internally, because i had many unresolved issues stemming from past cataclysmic events. i felt so empty that i wondered if it was possible that i had lost my soul. i only knew one person that could help me find my answers: my former muse.

they helped point me in certain directions. i had exhibited symptoms of shamanic sickness. i am still open to this idea, but the problem is i feel no calling to help anyone. i feel no calling at all. around this time i began to learn about soul loss, and subsequently the practice of soul retrieval. i practiced some soul retrieval techniques, and it did work. i started to feel more like my old self. not completely, but more than i had years previous. i then learned about the shadow self, which i covered in my last entry.

trying to find myself spiritually has been a journey. trying to piece myself whole with soul retrieval and understanding the shadow self has only brought forth the less than savory aspects of my personality. i have learned that the soul is the intangible essence of who a person is, and the spirit is the energy that binds the soul to our mortal vessels. you can't change your soul, but the spirit can. it's taken me awhile to realize that in these perilous journeys of self-discovery, i have changed my spirit on accident. for better or worse? it's unknown. what i do know is that change must occur to survive in a continually evolving world.

i understand my life much better now. there are dynamics and patterns each person knows is unique to the machinations of their own lives, that others may never understand. i am still learning who i am in relation to the spirit world, and i hope one day i fully understand what i am supposed to understand about the spiritual energy that connects all living things (and beyond). for now one thing is clear; in my efforts to redeem myself i became damned.

the thoughts take flight on a blackbird's back...

a friend of mine today suggested that i start blogging again. the idea sat with me all night, wondering why i stopped to begin with. i needed time away. my thoughts always go to places i'm reluctant to describe anymore. that last time i blogged, it was on a site with rapid moving useless info that gets lost in an ever revolving shuffle. for a time, i enjoyed hiding in plain sight. it dawned on me that i was shackling myself. writing is in me, whether it be for work, school, or my own various amusements. i've chronicled my life in various online sites for over half my life at this point. these past few months were the longest i'd gone with out it.

if you're reading this and know who i am, feel privileged. i'm only doing this in the most neutral tones as possible. why? people like to lurk and find incriminating descriptors. you'll find none here, only someone long in the tooth trying to make sense of their own twisted corner within this reality.

my thoughts at this hour fire off as fast as bullets, and collide as boulders in an avalanche. it becomes hard to concentrate, to even describe one of the things exploding in my mind. i don't want to bombard this first post with so many ideas that haunt my mind like angry wasps zipping back and forth. perhaps i will just address one overarching theme.

the shadow self. this is a concept that has entered my life in the last few months. i've been trying to find answers and improve myself, and in these recent times i've turned to the more spiritual and esoteric side of life. i forgot exactly how, but the concept of the shadow self came into my life. i believed that i found the first step in self-improvement, but thus far i've driven myself further into madness.

what is the shadow self? it is theorized that we are born whole, no concept of right or wrong. when we first approach a young age where we can decide what's good and what's bad, we become splintered inside. we are then taught to only do good, and to not be bad. we create a shadow self that is all of our seemingly negative qualities. it is then theorized that in order to love one's self completely and feel whole again, one must accept all sides within themselves and learn from it all.

i have always had issues with my own duality. upon reading about the shadow self, i felt i finally found an answer to what has felt off about myself for so long. i attempted to make steps into accepting my own human nature. the problem is, it's brought out very bad tendencies in me. the want for revenge. the internal urge to get physical. my unbridled rage. it's become harder to maintain self control. i've not acted out yet, but it takes it's toll on my mental and emotional state.

it's ironic, i try to better myself and i turn into something worse. my mind is splintered and blasts off if i am awake too long. so what can i do? i write about it in the hopes that i find some peace in releasing it out of my mind and into this cyber world. i hope this works now that i've taken the manacles off and started blogging once again.