it was bound to happen, but i figure a contrast post is well deserved here. when i started this blog, it was a place to get out all the emotional bile that was building up and eating away at my insides. as i got more out, i posted less. yet dear (probably) non-existent readers, i have come here to speak of finally feeling good. ichor instead of balor.

for months, i've had an urge and a revelation that intertwined. i realized that iv'e been stuck in my own pattern, not knowing how to get out. i've also had an overwhelming urge to go visit nature. i had no idea where because of being stuck in a routine, so i just assumed i'd be stuck not knowing how to break this cycle.

an old close friend contacted me randomly this past weekend to hang out. we ended up at an old spot i hadn't thought of until we were on the free way. it was great catching up, but i unexpectedly ended up in nature. i remember standing on a decrepit structure staring out at the ocean and finally feeling some peace and calm that i'd so direly needed. the following day a different friend and i went to see one of our favorite vocalists perform an acoustic set. we expected to see a few jams, maybe a dialed in performance, nothing to write home to. what we witnessed was something much different. the power in his performance filled the entire room, despite it being just him and a guitar. the stories he told and the unexpected talks of dreams and love and togetherness caught me off guard. it was one of the best live performances i ever took in.

both of those days have done so much to change my mood. i feel really centered, no negative thoughts exploding constantly in my mind. i feel good. i feel content and happy. life doesn't seem as hopeless and monotone right now. who knows how long this attitude will last, but for now i'll accept it before any potential foreseeable misery.

we are all reflections of those around us. we have the core of our personalities, and we are individuals. people still rub off on us, and are guilty by association due to the circles we traverse. my circles are of people who stay in the same town in the same routine, doing nothing. i have a yearning to do something, anything new. the excitement of discovery. yet these circles have rubbed off on me so much that when i decide to stray from those patterns, i do not know how to find something new to experience.

and for those i wish to see but don't? they have forgotten me. i am invited nowhere,yet i am missed. there are claims that i am loved, but they are only claims. i feel no affection from most of the people that claim to care about me. so i turn to the easier circle for some semblance of social interaction. i fool myself into thinking i'm human.

i have accepted that i am going to be alone for the rest of my life. this year has shown that more than ever. this was once a fear that haunted me for years, a vision of a broken life to the end. i begrudingly accept it, because true colors have shown through. the sooner i am used to this mental hermitage, the less i will be let down with my interactions and relations. i do not want it to be this way, but it's another step in accepting the dynamics of my life.

companionship is in our DNA. it's coded into our instincts. how ironically tragic that one such as i craved something so deeply yet will never have it. people are always surprised at the length of my time being single. it's always a by proxy thing; people just assume but never consider the facts. i am simply not any person's type. it's a bitter pill to swallow, but life isn't fair for everyone.

i know how this world views me. i'm a monster to strangers. i was once a pushover to friends. i've forced a change within myself against my entire character in order to survive in this society. being feared is a lesser form of respect, but better than having none at all. i may as well reap benefits from being looked at as a monster, because being friendly gained me nothing.

almost everyone i know is fairweather. when they want something from me, thats when they appear. favors, money, an ear to listen. when i need the same in return, nothing. this is my disconnection with everyone around me. i'm only wanted when it's convenient. no one really cares if i live or die, they only care that i live to get something out of me.

they came down from the sky

in my emotional solitude, i have grown complacent. i am so used to being alone, that i know no other way. sure, at times the heart sends out pangs of loneliness but i've learned to ignore it's sad song. i do wish to not be alone, but i've accepted that dying alone w/o having truly been loved is my fate. i don't care what anyone says, it's in our instincts to want someone by our side. i've just learned to ignore it.

tonight a person told me, they liked my "look". i was flattered, thanked them with a smile, and started conversing with my friend. a few moments later, my friend told me to talk to the person who complimented me. they were long gone by that point, and the perceived chance meeting i had along with it. in the past when moments like these happen, my social ineptness shines and i begin mental flagellation. this time, i wasn't emotionally bothered and rather enjoyed the rest of my night.

i cannot tell where i am with this. on one hand, some days the loneliness i possess is crippling.  the rest of my days, i am fine and am not phased. it has been years since anyone has taken interest in me. so much so that i do not know how to handle the situation when it arises; much like a dog wouldn't know what to do with a car once it caught one.

should i worry? should i worry about my apathy? a part of me is lost that i barely care about, which feels quite odd. the only thing i believe i can take from this is that a stranger finally found me aesthetically pleasing, and that's the only victory to be scored.

illness environs

i have given much thought to energies, my relations with people, and the intertwining of both. i spend much time inside my head, trying to work out the idiosyncrasies of my life. i never realized how these two related to each other until i started connecting the dots. it's a weird sort of negative synergy that i'm learning to deal with.

for much of my life, people have relied on me to be the ear to listen to and the rock to help anchor them in life. i didn't use to mind this. i am highly empathetic, take the time to listen to others, and am loyal to a fault. the problem is, very few people have given that back to me in an understanding way. most people will come, hand me their baggage, and leave once life turns around for them.

i have felt invisible for many years. i cannot explain it, except that once i came back from my harrowing ordeals i felt this shift. at first i had this notion that i lost my soul. through my studies, i realized that it was my spiritual energy that was effected. i had no vibrant positive energies to put out. no, i either had a lack of aura or an aura that put out very negative vibes.

i've come to realize that i've been used as a sort of negative emotional dumping ground. people come into my life, see that i am wiling to help them, and leave their negative energy with me before moving on. i feel that carrying this burden has turned me into a negative energy magnet of sorts. this is unfair to me. relationships of all kinds are give and take. why have people given me their curses, but take none of mine?

i'm coming to terms with the fact that i have to stop this sort of behavior. my current methods of not letting anyone in are killing my empathetic nature. i'm looking into various practices which i hope help. i'm tired of feeling invisible, i want positive energy to balance the build up of negative energy and make me whole.

we can live forever

the passing of my friend has called into question my own existence. not my unraveling mortality, or how my eventual fate comes to pass. its caused me to attempt to reflect on if i'm living genuinely. am i doing right by me? have i strayed so far from my own path that i'm more lost than i thought? 

they were not a perfect person, but they lived with genuine heart. they went out selflessly. they showed its possible to live against the grain and stay true to yourself.  i will always hold them in the highest regard no matter what they've done.

but am i living the same way? i claim so much influence from this person, but have i really retained it? i feel so splintered. i want to live true to myself, giving a lot of heart to those around me. when i have lived that way, i was taken for granted and left with a lot of emotional pain. i want to live that way again, but i dont know how. im grow weary of setting myself up to be hurt. am i gravitating towards the wrong people to give my good intentions to? is my sphere of influence full of people undeserving of what i have to offer as a person? i can't tell.

i do know that i'm not ready yet. maybe i can't live that genuine because i am so split up inside. forces warring inside my mind over how to direct myself. do i let people in, anxious over the looming dagger in my back? do i keep them out at arm's length, staying safe and alone? is there a middle ground? can i ever agree with myself over what that middle ground could even be? only time can sort this out, and so i must with a heavy heart.

I've seen what becomes of us

Today I learned of the passing of a person who influenced my life greatly. Growing up, I never related to my family very much and I was always an outcast in school. My moral compass continued to spin in directions I couldn't control. My own anger would blind me.

I discovered a certain music scene, and within it, bands and a great person leading one of them. Their words helped guide me. My moral compass wasn't straight, but it would start zeroing in. I never had an older sibling figure to guide me in life, but I found that in the words and actions of this man I revered.

I've written about this in so many other online forums that I'm finally gaining a loss for words. I threw up late in the after noon, and have had no desire to eat since. Things don't seem real. I'm just broken up by it, and by the fact that I'll never see this person ever again. It's 4th of July, I should be out being merry. Instead I'm home, reflecting on the passing of this person and trying to make sense of this world.