the angel rises from the east to bring storm upon this world

it's not time yet to write about the betrayal i suffered months ago. i am comfortable talking about it, just not in this medium just yet. that entry would be long in the tooth (even for me).  what i am getting off my chest now is observations from tonight.

i saw the guilty parties tonight. the cowards that used me up and tossed my friendship tonight. they avoided me. not in a "stand my ground, i just wont speak to you" sort of manner, but in a "i'm going to hang back and be invisible" way. at first it figured, and i left it at that thought for awhile.

then the realization struck: they have no convictions and fear me. if they believed what they did was right, they would not cower from me. they would have responded to my last message. they would have approached me tonight and told me that i was wrong. yet, none of that happened. they left me alone, couldn't even look at me. i won. no matter what happens, they will remember what they've done and my words of truth will always echo. they fear me. they know their mistake. they know they're weak.

i am strong in my convictions, and how i conduct myself. handshakes me something to me. the words i say are things i never go back on. the actions i take to go out of my way to support people i care about are very real and selfless. all i ever expect in return is respect and consideration in a high degree if we are to remain friends. to expect anything less is to cheapen one's self worth.

i have self worth. i am not a stepping stone. i am not going to be used up and thrown away. i conduct myself with respect and honor, but the world i exist in doesn't understand that. it grows harder to keep the rage from being betrayed in. i somehow maintain self control. its probably the solace i find in knowing i'm better than the cowards i've scathingly cut from my life that don't have the gall to face me.

know thyself, dandy

here we are again, the thoughts colliding in the late night like a mental avalanche. what to write about this time? as i type this very paragraph, i still grow unsure. i just know that i need to write something to help ease my mind from this turmoil filled mental-cauldron.

i have not felt like myself in a long time. specific events in my life have scarred my soul, leaving me feeling very alone and confused. i thought i knew the dynamics of my life. things went wrong oh so fast. one unlucky event and life changed. i felt i had to exact truth in everything aroudn me, and keep a higher standard of honor versus my surroundings. i felt empty, but at least my moral compass had a course to chart. if i was damned, at least i knew how to act with high moral fiber.

then betrayal happened. the compass spun out of control. i sought help in various places and ways. my true nature had to be kept down. i learned that to survive in this world, i have to be selfish. i have to be more cutthroat than the rest. if someone falls, so be it. i get a chance to rise. with this, comes anger and revenge. a need to get even. i contain this everyday, and it tears me apart.

at times the caring/giving side of me comes out. you can't change your core. sadly, i know how used and abused i can get when that part of me is at the forefront. i understand the new dynamics of my life, and the time i wasted on the unworthy.

Call up smoke to save the soul’s demise

I was raised as a christian. as all young children listening to un-fallible adults, i too fell in line. our elders are always right until we are capable of making decisions that separate who we are from the influences of our parents. my eyes opened to the world around me. i simply could not believe in the written judeo-christian god. i have great respect for those strong in any faith, as long as they are not harming others.

once i let go of organized religion, i felt very free. my moral compass does not need ancient text to guide it. at this point, i believed in two things: ghosts were real, and that i am such a microscopic speck in the vast canvas of this universe that knowing how creation came into being would not effect who i was. for a long time, i even reveled in anti-christian imagery to further distance myself from what i was.

i didn't know it, but this left a very huge void that needed to be filled. the kind that feeds the soul and invigorates the spirit. for a long time, the music i was involved with would occupy this emptiness. nothing could go wrong as i formed a personal mass of one with my music collection.  yet, even as time has gone on music has ran it's course as a bandage.

at one point, i had fallen for someone with unique spiritual beliefs. they were very much into the more spiritual and natural side of life. i believed if things worked out, they would rub off on me and i'd learn enough to form my own beliefs. that relationship, for reasons i had to figure out on my own, was cut short.

i have felt empty for years. an interpersonal event happened earlier this year which turned my world upside down. it became apparent that i needed to help myself internally, because i had many unresolved issues stemming from past cataclysmic events. i felt so empty that i wondered if it was possible that i had lost my soul. i only knew one person that could help me find my answers: my former muse.

they helped point me in certain directions. i had exhibited symptoms of shamanic sickness. i am still open to this idea, but the problem is i feel no calling to help anyone. i feel no calling at all. around this time i began to learn about soul loss, and subsequently the practice of soul retrieval. i practiced some soul retrieval techniques, and it did work. i started to feel more like my old self. not completely, but more than i had years previous. i then learned about the shadow self, which i covered in my last entry.

trying to find myself spiritually has been a journey. trying to piece myself whole with soul retrieval and understanding the shadow self has only brought forth the less than savory aspects of my personality. i have learned that the soul is the intangible essence of who a person is, and the spirit is the energy that binds the soul to our mortal vessels. you can't change your soul, but the spirit can. it's taken me awhile to realize that in these perilous journeys of self-discovery, i have changed my spirit on accident. for better or worse? it's unknown. what i do know is that change must occur to survive in a continually evolving world.

i understand my life much better now. there are dynamics and patterns each person knows is unique to the machinations of their own lives, that others may never understand. i am still learning who i am in relation to the spirit world, and i hope one day i fully understand what i am supposed to understand about the spiritual energy that connects all living things (and beyond). for now one thing is clear; in my efforts to redeem myself i became damned.

the thoughts take flight on a blackbird's back...

a friend of mine today suggested that i start blogging again. the idea sat with me all night, wondering why i stopped to begin with. i needed time away. my thoughts always go to places i'm reluctant to describe anymore. that last time i blogged, it was on a site with rapid moving useless info that gets lost in an ever revolving shuffle. for a time, i enjoyed hiding in plain sight. it dawned on me that i was shackling myself. writing is in me, whether it be for work, school, or my own various amusements. i've chronicled my life in various online sites for over half my life at this point. these past few months were the longest i'd gone with out it.

if you're reading this and know who i am, feel privileged. i'm only doing this in the most neutral tones as possible. why? people like to lurk and find incriminating descriptors. you'll find none here, only someone long in the tooth trying to make sense of their own twisted corner within this reality.

my thoughts at this hour fire off as fast as bullets, and collide as boulders in an avalanche. it becomes hard to concentrate, to even describe one of the things exploding in my mind. i don't want to bombard this first post with so many ideas that haunt my mind like angry wasps zipping back and forth. perhaps i will just address one overarching theme.

the shadow self. this is a concept that has entered my life in the last few months. i've been trying to find answers and improve myself, and in these recent times i've turned to the more spiritual and esoteric side of life. i forgot exactly how, but the concept of the shadow self came into my life. i believed that i found the first step in self-improvement, but thus far i've driven myself further into madness.

what is the shadow self? it is theorized that we are born whole, no concept of right or wrong. when we first approach a young age where we can decide what's good and what's bad, we become splintered inside. we are then taught to only do good, and to not be bad. we create a shadow self that is all of our seemingly negative qualities. it is then theorized that in order to love one's self completely and feel whole again, one must accept all sides within themselves and learn from it all.

i have always had issues with my own duality. upon reading about the shadow self, i felt i finally found an answer to what has felt off about myself for so long. i attempted to make steps into accepting my own human nature. the problem is, it's brought out very bad tendencies in me. the want for revenge. the internal urge to get physical. my unbridled rage. it's become harder to maintain self control. i've not acted out yet, but it takes it's toll on my mental and emotional state.

it's ironic, i try to better myself and i turn into something worse. my mind is splintered and blasts off if i am awake too long. so what can i do? i write about it in the hopes that i find some peace in releasing it out of my mind and into this cyber world. i hope this works now that i've taken the manacles off and started blogging once again.