here we are again, the thoughts colliding in the late night like a mental avalanche. what to write about this time? as i type this very paragraph, i still grow unsure. i just know that i need to write something to help ease my mind from this turmoil filled mental-cauldron.
i have not felt like myself in a long time. specific events in my life have scarred my soul, leaving me feeling very alone and confused. i thought i knew the dynamics of my life. things went wrong oh so fast. one unlucky event and life changed. i felt i had to exact truth in everything aroudn me, and keep a higher standard of honor versus my surroundings. i felt empty, but at least my moral compass had a course to chart. if i was damned, at least i knew how to act with high moral fiber.
then betrayal happened. the compass spun out of control. i sought help in various places and ways. my true nature had to be kept down. i learned that to survive in this world, i have to be selfish. i have to be more cutthroat than the rest. if someone falls, so be it. i get a chance to rise. with this, comes anger and revenge. a need to get even. i contain this everyday, and it tears me apart.
at times the caring/giving side of me comes out. you can't change your core. sadly, i know how used and abused i can get when that part of me is at the forefront. i understand the new dynamics of my life, and the time i wasted on the unworthy.
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