a friend of mine today suggested that i start blogging again. the idea sat with me all night, wondering why i stopped to begin with. i needed time away. my thoughts always go to places i'm reluctant to describe anymore. that last time i blogged, it was on a site with rapid moving useless info that gets lost in an ever revolving shuffle. for a time, i enjoyed hiding in plain sight. it dawned on me that i was shackling myself. writing is in me, whether it be for work, school, or my own various amusements. i've chronicled my life in various online sites for over half my life at this point. these past few months were the longest i'd gone with out it.
if you're reading this and know who i am, feel privileged. i'm only doing this in the most neutral tones as possible. why? people like to lurk and find incriminating descriptors. you'll find none here, only someone long in the tooth trying to make sense of their own twisted corner within this reality.
my thoughts at this hour fire off as fast as bullets, and collide as boulders in an avalanche. it becomes hard to concentrate, to even describe one of the things exploding in my mind. i don't want to bombard this first post with so many ideas that haunt my mind like angry wasps zipping back and forth. perhaps i will just address one overarching theme.
the shadow self. this is a concept that has entered my life in the last few months. i've been trying to find answers and improve myself, and in these recent times i've turned to the more spiritual and esoteric side of life. i forgot exactly how, but the concept of the shadow self came into my life. i believed that i found the first step in self-improvement, but thus far i've driven myself further into madness.
what is the shadow self? it is theorized that we are born whole, no concept of right or wrong. when we first approach a young age where we can decide what's good and what's bad, we become splintered inside. we are then taught to only do good, and to not be bad. we create a shadow self that is all of our seemingly negative qualities. it is then theorized that in order to love one's self completely and feel whole again, one must accept all sides within themselves and learn from it all.
i have always had issues with my own duality. upon reading about the shadow self, i felt i finally found an answer to what has felt off about myself for so long. i attempted to make steps into accepting my own human nature. the problem is, it's brought out very bad tendencies in me. the want for revenge. the internal urge to get physical. my unbridled rage. it's become harder to maintain self control. i've not acted out yet, but it takes it's toll on my mental and emotional state.
it's ironic, i try to better myself and i turn into something worse. my mind is splintered and blasts off if i am awake too long. so what can i do? i write about it in the hopes that i find some peace in releasing it out of my mind and into this cyber world. i hope this works now that i've taken the manacles off and started blogging once again.
No comments:
Post a Comment