I was raised as a christian. as all young children listening to un-fallible adults, i too fell in line. our elders are always right until we are capable of making decisions that separate who we are from the influences of our parents. my eyes opened to the world around me. i simply could not believe in the written judeo-christian god. i have great respect for those strong in any faith, as long as they are not harming others.
once i let go of organized religion, i felt very free. my moral compass does not need ancient text to guide it. at this point, i believed in two things: ghosts were real, and that i am such a microscopic speck in the vast canvas of this universe that knowing how creation came into being would not effect who i was. for a long time, i even reveled in anti-christian imagery to further distance myself from what i was.
i didn't know it, but this left a very huge void that needed to be filled. the kind that feeds the soul and invigorates the spirit. for a long time, the music i was involved with would occupy this emptiness. nothing could go wrong as i formed a personal mass of one with my music collection. yet, even as time has gone on music has ran it's course as a bandage.
at one point, i had fallen for someone with unique spiritual beliefs. they were very much into the more spiritual and natural side of life. i believed if things worked out, they would rub off on me and i'd learn enough to form my own beliefs. that relationship, for reasons i had to figure out on my own, was cut short.
i have felt empty for years. an interpersonal event happened earlier this year which turned my world upside down. it became apparent that i needed to help myself internally, because i had many unresolved issues stemming from past cataclysmic events. i felt so empty that i wondered if it was possible that i had lost my soul. i only knew one person that could help me find my answers: my former muse.
they helped point me in certain directions. i had exhibited symptoms of shamanic sickness. i am still open to this idea, but the problem is i feel no calling to help anyone. i feel no calling at all. around this time i began to learn about soul loss, and subsequently the practice of soul retrieval. i practiced some soul retrieval techniques, and it did work. i started to feel more like my old self. not completely, but more than i had years previous. i then learned about the shadow self, which i covered in my last entry.
trying to find myself spiritually has been a journey. trying to piece myself whole with soul retrieval and understanding the shadow self has only brought forth the less than savory aspects of my personality. i have learned that the soul is the intangible essence of who a person is, and the spirit is the energy that binds the soul to our mortal vessels. you can't change your soul, but the spirit can. it's taken me awhile to realize that in these perilous journeys of self-discovery, i have changed my spirit on accident. for better or worse? it's unknown. what i do know is that change must occur to survive in a continually evolving world.
i understand my life much better now. there are dynamics and patterns each person knows is unique to the machinations of their own lives, that others may never understand. i am still learning who i am in relation to the spirit world, and i hope one day i fully understand what i am supposed to understand about the spiritual energy that connects all living things (and beyond). for now one thing is clear; in my efforts to redeem myself i became damned.
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