illness environs

i have given much thought to energies, my relations with people, and the intertwining of both. i spend much time inside my head, trying to work out the idiosyncrasies of my life. i never realized how these two related to each other until i started connecting the dots. it's a weird sort of negative synergy that i'm learning to deal with.

for much of my life, people have relied on me to be the ear to listen to and the rock to help anchor them in life. i didn't use to mind this. i am highly empathetic, take the time to listen to others, and am loyal to a fault. the problem is, very few people have given that back to me in an understanding way. most people will come, hand me their baggage, and leave once life turns around for them.

i have felt invisible for many years. i cannot explain it, except that once i came back from my harrowing ordeals i felt this shift. at first i had this notion that i lost my soul. through my studies, i realized that it was my spiritual energy that was effected. i had no vibrant positive energies to put out. no, i either had a lack of aura or an aura that put out very negative vibes.

i've come to realize that i've been used as a sort of negative emotional dumping ground. people come into my life, see that i am wiling to help them, and leave their negative energy with me before moving on. i feel that carrying this burden has turned me into a negative energy magnet of sorts. this is unfair to me. relationships of all kinds are give and take. why have people given me their curses, but take none of mine?

i'm coming to terms with the fact that i have to stop this sort of behavior. my current methods of not letting anyone in are killing my empathetic nature. i'm looking into various practices which i hope help. i'm tired of feeling invisible, i want positive energy to balance the build up of negative energy and make me whole.