we can live forever

the passing of my friend has called into question my own existence. not my unraveling mortality, or how my eventual fate comes to pass. its caused me to attempt to reflect on if i'm living genuinely. am i doing right by me? have i strayed so far from my own path that i'm more lost than i thought? 

they were not a perfect person, but they lived with genuine heart. they went out selflessly. they showed its possible to live against the grain and stay true to yourself.  i will always hold them in the highest regard no matter what they've done.

but am i living the same way? i claim so much influence from this person, but have i really retained it? i feel so splintered. i want to live true to myself, giving a lot of heart to those around me. when i have lived that way, i was taken for granted and left with a lot of emotional pain. i want to live that way again, but i dont know how. im grow weary of setting myself up to be hurt. am i gravitating towards the wrong people to give my good intentions to? is my sphere of influence full of people undeserving of what i have to offer as a person? i can't tell.

i do know that i'm not ready yet. maybe i can't live that genuine because i am so split up inside. forces warring inside my mind over how to direct myself. do i let people in, anxious over the looming dagger in my back? do i keep them out at arm's length, staying safe and alone? is there a middle ground? can i ever agree with myself over what that middle ground could even be? only time can sort this out, and so i must with a heavy heart.