a broken trust

i admit, i am paranoid. not to the extent of tin foil hats and conspiracy theories, but i have a bit of it nonetheless. past a certain point, it becomes very hard for me to trust a person. i examine people's personalities, and cut away mentally to try to see their core. I am not saying every human is dishonest, but in regards to me i read my role too easily.

if i do not hear from a person for a long time, then suddenly rise from the ether it only means one thing: they want something from me. i've seen this pattern all too frequent in this dismal life. no genuine greeting, no overwhelming hope for my well being. it's a "hi how are you doing?" for semantics' sake before launching into what they want from me.

i've grown accustomed to this. i believe in energy, and more over, psychic impression. you can feel someone's spirit as they deliver words. the intentions behind them. if someone truly cared for my well-being, i wouldn't be the mess i am today. no, humans in my sphere of influence only want to take from me. use me, then move on. they want a favor, want me to do something for them, or even be a receptacle for their bad day then move on when they're done.

there's never any benefit for me. i used to let it go willingly, because i thought it was the way to keep friends. it's actually the way to get used, viewed as a resource and not as a valid human being. a human being with thoughts, feelings, and a brain built to detect ulterior motives. people forger that i'm a lot smarter than i am, because they only see my exterior.

can you blame my paranoia? not everyone is out to get me. in fact, no one is out to get me. i do not believe anyone is out there willingly looking out for me, truly caring if i live or die. i often feel people would only want me alive to feel false vindication about being in my life yet we don't talk for the longest periods of time. i understand there are some friendships that work that way, but i can smell bullshit from a mile away. not every friendship has that dynamic, and i can tell when someone wants something for their own personal end.

the only thing i've asked myself the last 6 months is this: when is it my turn to use someone to get what i want?